Need Help?

Maybe your extended family does this too: when we get together, we always tell the stories of the same memories. Over and over. For us, they’re often stories from when my younger brother and I were kids.

Like that time my mom caught me, in church, nibbling on a frozen chicken nugget I’d smuggled in my pocket. (I thought it would get cooked in there by the time I needed a snack.)

Or the time my three-year-old brother was caught by an ocean wave and tumbled into the Pacific. My parents still talk about how lightning-quick I pulled him back out of the water, so I like to refer to it as: “The Time I Saved John’s Life.” John, however, insists on calling it: “That Time You Tried to Drown Me!!!!”

Or the time my mom walked me into my first day at Little Lambs Preschool, which met in our church’s building. As she opened the door, I looked up at her and said, “It’s okay, Mama. I know how to get there. You can go now.”

My parents have a lot of stories like that last one. Stories where a young me acts so independent that it leaves them shocked, laughing, and maybe feeling a little rejected.

I’m rather proud of those stories. I like to imagine a child version of myself being so confident. I like to think of myself today as confident and independent, able to get by on my own. After all, our culture values these qualities – and with some very good reasons.

Yet I also know I can be independent to a foolish degree. I will often wander a store for 30 minutes rather than ask a salesperson for help. And I can be self-sufficient to a harmful extent: like, “Yes, I broke my leg – but no, I’m fine, I can still do everything on my own.”

Sometimes I want to be independent – and other times I just don’t want to be a bother.

Last year, students in the first-year program were asked to rank their top five reasons for not asking others for support. The top two answers – and by significant margins – were: “Not wanting to be a burden to others” and “feeling like I need to be strong and handle myself.”

The thing is, that’s not how we (faculty/staff) want our students to feel, right? We want them to come to office hours and ask for help understanding the class material. We want them to make use of tutors and the Writing Center. We hope they connect with peer mentors and the Counseling Center and financial support services and career support. We want them to ask when they need help – and we find it heartbreaking (or just frustrating) when they don’t. Because seeking out that support is essential to being successful in their college careers.

And yet the students swim in the waters of our culture, where independence is valued over seeking help. So if we want them to feel like it’s okay to ask for help, we’re going to have to intentionally build a different culture here. A culture that encourages asking for help; that celebrates successes achieved with support from others; where we express gratitude for opportunities to help each other. A culture that names seeking and accepting support as a strength.

And hey, maybe that culture will be better for all of us – especially in these times that are so difficult for higher education.

To help get the conversation started, this year’s theme for Morning Prayer is: “That Time I Asked for Help.” On Mondays we will be hearing reflections from faculty and staff from around the University, and they will share stories of times they made the decision to ask for some help. (If you’ve got a story you would like to share, please contact Pastor Jim!)

We hope that this will encourage students to take that awkward risk of asking for help when they need it. We also hope it will help all of us to keep in mind that we do need support sometimes – and that is a good thing! 

Jesus said: “Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:7-11)

– Pastor Kate

Rev. Katherine Museus and Rev. James A. Wetzstein serve as university pastors at the Chapel of the Resurrection at Valparaiso University and take turns writing weekly devotions.

August 21, 2024